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XxKrNpRiDeXx
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Name: Joyce Jin
Birthday: 10/22/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: God, Bible, Praying, revivals, Singing.
Expertise: Voice
Occupation: student
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  s0jt2
Jabber: jinjh1@gmail.com
Member Since:
3/30/2003
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| 20 hours... First semester of my second year..
Honestly.. I'm loving it... I love my roommate.. love my school..
Love my group of friends... My teachers.. my opportunities.. MY ROOMMM!!! soo spacious!
I love my bed... I spend soo much time on it.
I spend the most time in the library alone.. or in Merideth's apartment talking.. or on the computer re-watching episodes of gossip girls..HAHA
Now.. I'm waking up everymorning... reading the book of 1 Corinthians...
Praying in my closet when my roommate is not around..
I'm trying to live a life of an atmosphere of prayer.
I know I have the gift of intercessary prayer. I really want to pray all the time..
Honestly.. it gives me so much joy and pleasure to just pray for hours.
I have soo much time for myself and time to spend with God.
I'm learning what faith is... When I had bronchitis, I realized what faith was.
More like God showed me what it was.
Now matter how strongly Satan attacks me.. whether spiritually or physically... I will still worship God.
No matter what is to come my way.. I will still Worship the Lord.
No matter how simple that sounds.. it took a while to get to my heart.
Faith is more than just believing what you can not seeing.
It's declaring it with confidence and motivation and living it.
God is good.. and He knew exactly what school would be perfect for me.
I love Him so much.. and I love my family...
There is soo many greater things yet to come.. Miracles to happen in lives around me.
I can not wait....
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| This is it.
The starting point. I'm completely broken...
Wholly Yours..
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| And so.. the story goes.
idk.. i just felt like saying that..LOL
wow... I've been feeling pretty numb.. not numb in a bad way.. just numb in a very ...
"Indifferent about what is going around in the world... " way. hahaha
The only things that are interesting me is composers lives and all my classes.
I'm doing horribly spiritually.. I am numb.... I don't feel anything.. I don't feel like reading bible.
I don't fee like doing anything.. I feel so happy in my studies because I love what I'm doing.
I love singing.. I love how much I'm improving and excited for how my voice will be like in years to come.
Dang.. I should be giving all this to God, but I don't know if I'm just at a spiritual depth lowwww or numbness from all my immoral sins I have committed over the summer..HAHA!
Europe has brought out the worst and best of me.. loool.
But I don't regret it... I am planning to get back on track with God, but I'm waiting for ...hmm...
Actually.. I think God is waiting for me to ask Him to break me. But I really don't wanna be broken right now because life is very good. hahaha..
It's horrible right?
Eventually.. I will ask God for brokenness. Complete brokenness.
I love where I am right now. In my comfort with my fascinations in people's life and how that relates to the music they have written. Or even the songs I sing and how those words have a totally different connotation back then.. Example) Did you know that to "come kill me" means to come make me orgasm? HAHA YEA. I have to sing that in my Rossini piece. I love singing his music because of so much melisma and coloratura! It's soo exciting! But Rossini was a very perverted man..LOL~ ALL HIS MUSIC HAVE TO DO WITH PLEASURE.. jeeeezzzz..
Music written by a composer tells a story about the composers life.. there hearts secrets and desires.
I think it is the most beautiful and effective way for one to express one self. If only I could do that.
I really wish there would be a gospel opera written... but I do not have those kinds of skills... I'm trying to persuade a friend here, who wrote an orchestration piece for the Sri Lanka National Symphony Orchestra over the summer, to write an opera with the help of me and a pianist... but.. She's so not motivated these days. It makes me sad.. She has so much talent and gift.. Only if I had that gift and talent.. I could work miracles in peoples lives!!
okay... too much rambling... but yes.. This is my status right now.
Pretty sad huh... haha..
I can't wait to graduate..... my graduate school interest keeps changing.. first it was juilliard.. and now it's curtis and cincinnati... man.. im so excited ... I love opera.. It really is the most powerful form of alll art forms... Going to Italy and seeing where classical music was influenced by and from just made me realize why opera was such a craze and still is in europe! It is not only for educated... It is also for the uneducated.
nvm... if i keep going with this.. I'll write a whole freakin research paper...
I just love history.. I lovee picking apart music.. It's like trying to solve a mystery puzzle...
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| It hurts.
I can't contain the pain I feel.
I have to let it out. That is why I write.
This hurts soooo fuckin much.
I feel like ... I can not even explain.
I can't breath.
Tears just keep flowing out of me.. I can barely open my eyes.
It is not just my heart being torn but it is the deepest part of my heart.
Do you understand?
It's fuckin ironic.
All this happened just because of a person I talked to. Then the next thing you know... a friend wants to go get some coffee.. She and I start talking.. Out of all the people.. she can understand what I am going through the most.
I am soo upset at God... I am hurt at Him. why?! FUCKIN WHY!!!!!!!!
I wanted to shove books up my face and avoid breaking down...but NOO... IT HAD TO HAPPEN TONIGHT!
I feel numb. I feel armored. I feel guarded up.
It will be a long time before someone can open up my heart....
sweet misery... bittersweet... lukewarm..numb.. I'm so angry...
but in the end. Tim. you deserve someone better. I'm sorry that I wouldn't let you shout out your happiness with me. I'm sorry for making you contain your feelings for me from the world.. I'm sorry for always hurting you and making you doubt. I'm sorry for not always giving you attention and not always being their for you. I'm sorry for leading you in the wrong direction and confusing you. I'm sorry for cheating on you and I'm sorry for making our fate like this. It's all my fault. It's all my fault.
I'm sorry for not being able to give you as much as you give me... I'm sorry for not being faithful.
I'm sorry for blaming you and putting my studies before you. I'm sorry for not letting you go completely. I'm sorry for coming and going. I'm sorry for not jogging when you wanted it. I'm sorry for being a bad colorer. I'm sorry for putting so much pressure on you. I'm sorry for being emotional with you. I'm sorry for having expectations. I'm sorry for trying to change who you were. I'm sorry for being so wishy washy.
Please forgive me.. and never forget how i truly felt for you.
I'm sorry for not ending it sooner. I just coudn't... It was too hard for me.
I wish we could be.. but I'm not God.
I love you tim... I love you so much..
This entry is just for you
<3
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| Change is a process that requires patience and perseverance.
Results start to bloom slowly and steadily. I'm starting to see what all this really means.
My dark and lonely pasts.. those people whom i loved so passionately..
those friends who were once so dear to me..
Those who stabbed my back multiple times .. I can't stop loving.
Everytime I want to love.. I get reminded of the past hurt.
But now.. I'm looking ahead and accepting how I feel at this moment.
If I have compassion for them. I will share it. I will shun the pains of my past
and be who am.
I realized that all throughout highschool... no one really tried to get to know me.
Those who really did want to and tried to get to know me are my best friends right now.
And there are those who wanted to get to know me and I to them through distant mutual feelings.
It's funny because this one boy in highschool said these exact words to me which echoes in my head almost everyday.
"I will never get you.. I can never understand you."
I assumed that is how most people felt about me in school because I have heard this from his other friends as well many times.
... and yet they never tried to know how I felt and what I thought.
Only when they needed me. They were not interested in who I was yet said such things.
I don't understand such people. They seem to be the brightest.. the most complicated thinkers who can't solve such simple puzzles. They are the ones who solve and answer things philosophically and psychological yet can not understand why then can not bond with another human being.
It is just so humorous to me...
Everyone picks and chooses who they want to understand and show compassion to and who they just don't want to.
I hope I don't do that.
cuz it really hurts to be the unfavorable one with absolutely no reason.
And so.. through observation.. I realized those who voice their opinions the most and think differently than others are usually those who are left out... Even though they do not force another to think that ways.. just to know that they have such a strong voice threatens the comfort of another. People love to be in the center of attention but not negative ones...
So amusing. yes.. everyone is selfish.. and everyone does live for their own comfort zone no matter how many times you try to get out of it. It is almost impossible if you look at it... To one person.. it may be a comfort zone.. to another that may not be a comfort zone.
So then.. Change.. Why are we changing? change means leaving a comfort area... It seems almost as if change is not neccessary with out some reason to do so. To me.. it looks like we are moving from one comfort zone to another comfort zone.. haha!
Everyone is all about "I"... so everyone will always be in a bubble of comfort. Finding that balance is the key. | | |
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